Collector

Your palm is there in front of me
and I keep trying to walk around it
maybe under it or over it
The lines on your hand aren't changing like I thought they would
and when it rains a small pool collects there
sometimes I can see my reflection in it
then the water drains out where nails left a pore
it scares me
but it's amazing

My eyes have been working too hard
Can't they just take a break from taking in the world?

Your palm is screaming
Alright. 
Take everything
it's not fair
You will just collect all of our thorns and wrap them around your head
with no resentment 
with no restraint
with no second thought

I'll always be in the red
because you won't take my money
all you will take is my guilt and my pain
it's amazing
and I shouldn't be scared

Eva Hesse

Eva Hesse
I don't know where I belong so I give up again, all the time it is like that. I have really been discovering my weird humor and making sick or maybe cool, but I can only see things that way, experience them also but I can't feel cool. This is my hopelessness. Like it is all based on fear and cannot be cool when one constantly feels fear. Everything for me personally is glossed with anxiety.. How do you believe in something deeply? How is it one can pinpoint believe into a singular purpose


Sol Lewitt

Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping,…Stop it and just DO!…

Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you – draw & paint your fear and anxiety…

You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO!…

Try to do some BAD work – the worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell – you are not responsible for the world – you are only responsible for your work – so DO IT. And don’t think that your work has to conform to any preconceived form, idea or flavor. It can be anything you want it to be…

I know that you can only work so much and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts. But when you work or before your work you have to empty your mind and concentrate on what you are doing. After you do something it is done and that’s that. After a while you can see some are better than others but also you can see what direction you are going. I’m sure you know all that. You also must know that you don’t have to justify your work – not even to yourself.

Blacking Out The Friction

"The hardest part is yet to come, when you will cross the country alone"

great. thanks. 

Strange and Unprepared

With my eyes closed watching a strange show play out in my head
everything looked perfect from farther away but I wish I'd seen a field below
I wish I would have heard a rooster crow
Time is a lover and I'm caught in her stead

open your eyes

losing who you are

I'm somehow not surprised 
If my friends and my foes would just drop me a line that'd be nice
Every day in here feels like it's only a game


I never stop feeling strange
Because I never see you coming or leaving

Eyelids

If you really knew me, you know that I don’t want to be like my sisters

one has a heart of stone and the other has one of paper

you’d know that I don’t want to be like my brothers

one thinks he is the smartest person alive and the other isn’t alive

If you knew me you’d know that one day I’ll go to OUTER SPACE 

and I don’t care how many times my mom tells me a science degree isn’t worth anything because that’s my dream

If you really knew me you’d know that I never wear earrings and a necklace at the same time, only because I’m OCD

you’d know that I hate wearing my hair in a ponytail 

you’d know that I have a green parrot with orange hair and a white face 

you’d know that every morning he sits on my shoulder while I get ready and 

every morning I let him drink my orange juice because he loves orange juice

But even if you knew me, you wouldn’t know this 

that my heart has learned the hard way that sometimes the only way to be safe in this world is to just close your eyes. 

you wouldn’t know about that night, in a basement with white walls where my hands and feet and mouth couldn’t fight

you wouldn’t know that in most ways I failed that night, 

but in one small way I succeeded

I didn’t open my eyes

so at least I didn’t have to see

at least I could close my eyes and block everything out

yeah, even if you really knew me you wouldn’t know that somedays that doesn’t feel like enough

but most days it does

If I really knew you I would tell you to protect your eyes 

because what you see is the only thing that can keep reappearing in your head

and your eyes don’t heal

I would tell you to go ahead and trust people with your heart

but never with your eyes

I don’t really know you, I don’t know what your eyes have seen

but i know that you have had moments where all you can do is close them tight

and even though I don’t really know you

I’m so proud that you did

Belt Loops

well, today I decided not to think about you

because thoughts of you drag me down

so I set the dial on my brain to block you out

and every time a little thought of you would creep in

my frontal lobe would squish its guts

I was doing very well

but then I saw your dad

then later, your sister

it was the universe was doing everything in it's power

to keep you wrapped up inside my skull

I  g u e s s  t h a t s  w h e r e  y o u  b e l o n g . 

But maybe if I fight thoughts of you with all my might

the universe will do what it did today

and everyday I don't think about you

it will pull you closer to me

I am going to trick the universe

with a little old fashion reverse psychology

yes, this plan is perfect

fool proof

and when it drops you right in front of me

I'll tie our left hands together

and hook our belt loops with a bungee chord

Then, everything will be perfect.

Egg Shells

Sometimes I don’t feel a thing

beneath my face is just a grey stone 

I can make them all think I care

My eyes know just when to light up

Sometimes I feel a shell forming on my skin

and if I try to move from it’s mold it breaks and pierces me

My roots don’t want soil to burrow in

they just want to sway in the wind and smell new smells

One time, you told me you loved me

but it bounced off my shell and shattered on the ground

I wanted to catch it on the way down

but my knees wouldn’t bend

Everyday my shell grows thicker

But one day

I’m going to meet someone with a hammer

or a band saw

whichever. 

and once they break through the shell

they can tell me that they love me

and it will just absorb into my soft skin

Two Inches

SOMETIMES TWO INCHES CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING

I have heard stories of an 11 year old boy

He was playing outside on a zip line

It was fast, too fast

His head smacked against the metal pole

His pulse hit against his chest like a drum

And then it was quiet

His chest was still

The helicopter blades pushed through the sky

They fought so hard

The pockets of air beat along with my heart

But not his

I was calm

But my foot still tapped against the cold tile floor

Raising two inches each time

It was a long night

I sat by him and looked into his eyes

I saw the crack in his skull

His skin was pale

Never again did my brother open his eyes

He never again kissed his dog or shot a basketball

He never again played beautiful music on the piano

Those two inches on his head

Were the only two inches that would kill him

Like an Achilles heel

Two inches is only the size of a pinky finger

But to my family, two inches is everything

We didn't get a miracle that day

But his organs gave many miracles to others

Maybe one day we'll get one back

AND IT WILL ONLY BE TWO INCHES LONG

Get It Out

It was a wild idea to start with

But now it's expanding inside of my head

It looked just like a river but was a freeway in the dark

I've never been this ready in my life

There's too many things I haven't seen

My safe thought of staying seems STALE

The only risk is doing nothing

I'm out

Bigger and better

Do What You Love

Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary
-Steve Jobs

Sleep

Sleep is an escape from life, a way to fast forward life, and how everyone wants to end their life. 

Purpose

I DON'T BELIEVE IN FATE
OR MAGIC

Everyone wants to believe that if they are good that everything will turn out okay
which is why we are all so disappointed
so we look at ourselves and ask what we're doing wrong
and guilt takes over
still no answers

that's not how it should be
If I want everything to be okay I'm going work to make everything okay
I'm not waiting for an invisible hand to do it for me

God gave me a mind to think freely and hands to fight for what I want
which I am grateful for
so I'm going to stop complaining about what hasn't been given to me
and start working to get it

My purpose hasn't been decided
I can make it whatever I want

Death & Life

I think death would be easy.
What's there to worry about when you're dead?
All day and all night I stress about stupid things that I know are ridiculous but I can never stop

until I'm dead

Death could be freedom, out with the old. and if the lights turn off for good no one will care.

cuz we'll all be dead. 

Everyone's dead inside anyway, so we might as well be dead. 

You're dead to me. 

Life 

Changes

Every

Single

Day

Life is being at the top of a mountain and breathing in the fresh air. 

Living is a verb

Life is probably worth it

Living could be an illusion

Lone Peak needs a little more life, we can't take anymore death. 

RIP: Brandon, Micah, & Jacob

uh-fray-d

I'm afraid of wolves
I'm afraid of wearing my hair in a ponytail
I'm afraid of being in big groups of people
I'm afraid of being on fire

I am supposed to inspire them, make them feel united. I'm afraid I won't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll look to me and I will fail.

All that fear wants is to drag me down, and keep me from taking care of my responsibilities. Fear doesn't want me to touch my potential, Fear wants me to hide.

Fear tells me that I'm not important, fear tells me that I shouldn't try.

Fear isn't good company.
Fear isn't worth my energy.
Fear is lying.
I'm not listening to fear anymore.

A Moment of Thoughts

I'm thinking about you like birds think about flying; like people think about lying. 
I'm thinking about you like planes think about soaring; like clouds think about pouring. 
I'm thinking about you like lungs think about breath; like desperate people think about death. 

I'm thinking about dancing in the dark, I'm thinking about that look, I'm thinking about what you're doing to my world
I'm thinking about running away. 
I think you will change everything. I think I'm okay with that 

I     M     T     H     I     N     K     I     N     G     A     B     O     U     T     Y     O     U

The thing about thinking is that when you think too hard, you can't think anymore. 
Dwelling on thoughts will rot your soul. 

Love

Love tricked me. Love trapped me. Love blinded me. Love took advantage of me.
I thought I had love. 
Love made a terrible thing seem okay. 
Love took and love left 


Love showed it's true colors, love wasn't love after all. 


Love is unique, love is different
Love is all around
Love may be permanent
Love has honest motivations, love has pure intentions 


I dream of love, I dream of the perfect moments that come with it 

I dream of a love that only gets stronger

I have love to give

One day I will love being in love, love will be like summer

This love will love me the way love should 

I will trust this love, and this love won't burn.

Love will be flawless.